5 Things I Have Learned as a Single Mom That Moved Out of State
Five years ago, I moved to Houston, Texas from Jackson, Mississippi. I had no plan. I was just tired of living life, working two jobs, and barely spending time with my child. I knew there had to be a better way and I had nothing to lose. I originally moved as a 24-year-old with some family members but after six or seven months, things no longer worked out like I thought they would have. I end up moving out and doing life alone with my then three-year-old child. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned since moving and finally feel like I am in the space I am supposed to be in this moment. If I had never moved, I probably would not have gained these valuable lessons. Here are some things I have learned:
The vision you have in your head probably will not play out like you expect it to but that is no reason to give up. There were several times I thought about moving back home to what was familiar - I seemed to have really bad car accidents for two years straight and I couldn’t call anyone (per the request of not contacting the family I had lived with) to come and be there because I knew no one else. I remember having to call my manager at work once to come pick me up, take me to get my daughter from daycare, bring me to the ER, then call someone else to take me home. I felt so embarrassed that I had no family to call in the city like normal people would. The first episodes on my podcast go into more detail, if you are interested.
You may have to work a job or two or three that you do not want to until you get to where you ultimately plan to be. I told you I had no plan when I left but I knew that I wanted to work in healthcare. I was working as a server part-time in Mississippi so the managing partner of the restaurant was nice enough to allow me to transfer. I went on five interviews or so and it seemed that no one wanted to hire me for the jobs I actually wanted. I was applying for any type of job after that and still had the nerve to turn down jobs. Until I found my first full-time job, I would job search during the day and wait tables at night. Two months later, I got a temporary job in a call-center but there were no benefits and no job security (I mean what jobs are secure these days anyways but you get what I mean). I ended up quitting my serving job. The contract was three months and they ended up keeping me on after the contract expired, but I ended up finding my first full-time (FT) job in healthcare. I did not know exactly what I wanted to do, but I got in and could work my way around. I went from making $9.55/per hour in Mississippi as a HR Assistant to $15/per hour with my temporary job as a Client Service Representative (Call Center Rep - same thing) for a HR company explaining employee benefits and helping employees enroll. To some, that might not be a lot, but to someone who wasn’t used to making anything, I was amazed. After moving out with the family, I had to get a second job working from home since the FT job didn’t allow me to pay my rent, car note, put my daughter in a private pre-K program (no one told me this was unnecessary), and other bills. Oh and I didn’t qualify for income-based housing… I worked my full-time job and worked from home part-time for nearly six months before I found another job that would allow me to pay all of my bills. Those times were HARD but I made it through and lived to share the story with you all.
You can build a tribe and support system where you are. It took me a couple of years to actually realize I was isolated. I didn’t know anyone outside of work, I didn’t go anywhere, or do anything other than eat out or go to the park with my daughter, besides my once a year trip with my friends that I needed. One of my followers on my personal page reached out to let me know she lived in an area I was visiting. We met up and she later connected me with another mom and we have been friends every since, who also happened to be from Mississippi with a son the same age as my daughter, without family - just her and her husband. I begin to search for Meetup & Facebook groups for moms. Shoutout to The Black Moms of Houston. I’ve met quite a few moms in that group. I attended some events. Then, I then started listening to podcasts and ultimately decided to start my own podcast & build a community so I could meet other moms like me since I was not finding that. I have hosted meetups and Single Mom Chats on Instagram live that has allowed me to connect with moms all over the world. I wouldn’t have ever imagined this. I’ve attended Single Mom Connect groups at a church and connected with some amazing moms. I will never forget how some of these people have showed up for me when I was in a crunch and we hadn’t known each other two or three months. I literally just shared a need and they offered support to meet that need. I recently launched our private community, The Single Mom League, and I am super proud of the moms that have joined and have been working on their goals.
Making time for YOU is so important. It took me a long time to realize this and this should probably be #1. I did not carve out time for me when I was in the first year or two of motherhood and I used to be so tired working two jobs, trying to finish school. I learned this from Jenell Stewart after moving into my first apartment here and getting into podcasts, “put yourself at the top of your to-do-list every single day,” and I have implemented this into my life and I share it with moms all the time. I don’t think a lot of us understand how much a minimum of 15 minutes, in the morning alone, before the kids wake up can shift our mood and get us on the right track for the day. Plus, if we are running on empty, how are we able to still operate effectively in our home and on our jobs?
Make time for adult interaction, outside of your kid. I didn’t learn this until a year or so ago when I started therapy. I never wanted to pay someone to watch my kid so I could just go out and have a drink with my friends or start dating again. My therapist told me I needed to set a budget for a sitter so that I could have a break, because she could tell I was close to burnout. I had to literally shift my mindset around that. Prior to having that conversation, I dragged my daughter everywhere. If she couldn’t go, I couldn’t go. This included work meetings, after hours socials, etc. Today, that has all changed. I have a membership at Adventure Playcare and will drop my daughter off with no problem, whether it is to get a mental break for a couple hours alone, go out and have dinner or a drink with the girls for happy hour, or to go out on a date. I now understand and value alone time. It is a part of self-care for me and the value on my peace and energy is so high.
Bonus: Learn to ask for and accept help. I was so used to doing everything myself and not asking for help, for the most part. There were times when I had to go places and do things or I couldn’t get to the daycare fast enough, and I leaned on other people to assist me. I had to get out of feeling bad for asking for help. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the support and help of people I have met along the way.
I am definitely not the same person I was five years ago. I have learned and grown so much, being forced to step out of my comfort zone, more often that not.
Have you ever relocated out or state or have thought about it? If you have, what have you learned? If you haven’t, what’s holding you back?